Create + Write + Inspire
Forever Wanting...
by Jennifer Kelly on December 16th, 2014

At this very moment, if you were to walk in through the large double doors that stand at the center entrance of a cute corner building, you would immediately get hit by the smell of pastries and coffee and bagels with cream cheese. With all of your senses being warmly greeted with such delight, you would immediately settle happily into the yellow and black that is a cafe house. Then, if you take a quick glance to your right, there I am. Sitting at one of those tall, circular, bar-like tables. Facing the north end of the building, right next to the windows (because I have a thing about windows). Your glance would be sure to uncover an uncomfortable girl. Awkward even. Just sitting and staring with the most frustrated of looks. 

Yep, that’s me. In the corner. You might quickly develop an opinion that something was wrong with me. Of course, you wouldn't say that out loud. Just as quickly as you noticed my agitation, you most likely would keep on walking to the menu posted deeper into the cafe and lit-up like a Christmas tree. Inviting you to an array of fabulous food items to help you forget all about a girl sitting at a cafe table. And anything else that matters.

But this is my reality right now. In fact, I am sitting at one of those tall, circular bar-like tables at the north end of Paradise cafe. I'm by myself. Earphones plugged in to drown out all outside chatter and clanking and noise. The "All Sons and Daughters" Pandora station is streaming in and is an absolute MUST when I'm attempting to write. And "attempting to write" is really stretching it. Honestly, “attempting to write” looks much more like staring. 

And here I am.
Just sitting and staring and not typing. 

I keep trying to shift my chair or move something around on my table to see if that helps my fingers find my keyboard. But to no avail. I still get NOTHING. And I’m beyond frustrated. I have wished and wanted and complained and prayed for me to be able to have the opportunity to write at a cafe. I have waited years for this moment to come. And here it is. And I'm not doing anything.

I am awkwardly staring at my new, precious gift. It's a new MacBook Air. And I don't know what to do. I'm somewhere between elated and horrified. Knowing that once I place my dirty little fingers all over the brand-spaken new keyboard, I loose this moment forever. It's so pretty and silver and shiny. It sure looks different than my desktop. AND-IT'S-PORTABLE (hence - the cafe). I have officially entered the 21st century. And let me tell you folks, it is AMAZING. And you would be like, “Yeah, Jen - we already know”.

My old, faithful Mac desktop has accompanied me throughout the years and part of this whole moment doesn't' feel right. Like, my old computer knows what I'm about to do with my new computer. My Mac desktop was like a faithful dog. No matter how bad I treated him, ignored him, or took him for granted, he was always there for me. Waiting for me when I got home. Just wanting of my attention. If you could spend time on it, you would find pictures and emails and secrets from long ago. My faithful desktop is now being retired to the girls room. Where it will sit and play movies and do other small, menial tasks until it's time is up. And it is such a funny THING, because its my old Mac that got me thinking and honestly, got me writing...

What am I doing? 
Am I doing what I’m really supposed to be doing right now? 
Are my moments - my photos throughout time - living up to it's potential? 
Am I really living? 
Really serving? 
Really loving? 
Or am I taking this whole thing for granted? 
Am I wasting my time? 

There is so much GLORY that is filled in a moment when you recognize God's presence right in the midst of it. When you find yourself aware of the Holy Spirit as the birds fly by on a Saturday afternoon at the park. Or worship on Sunday morning seems more like an out of body experience, previewing eternity - rather than mere human being's singing off-key in a building. It's too much. Too much glory. Too much electricity. Too much feeling of being ALIVE. And I've trampled and skipped over the glory of God like a spoiled rotten child, way too many times before.

So here, at this little round table, in a cafe, during the middle of the day, I-AM-WANTING. Trying to learn how to write in such a way that compels, engages, and describes what a moving relationship with God is like. And that's so impossible, It's too incomprehensible.

God feels like forever wanting.

Forever wanting Him to fill this little heart of mine. Needing Him to pack in as much love and forgiveness and joy and mercy until I burst open with delight. BURST.

So - on my nifty, pretty, expensive new MacBook Air, I stopped trying on my behalf and I started with a reminder of the old and a prayer. A prayer, to "come fill me, fill this place, fill this computer, fill it all".

Fill my heart and my words and my thoughts and my time. Take it all. Only You can redeem it and make it meaningful. No matter what or where or how or why, Jesus. Take it and fill it and use it. And maybe one day, I'll get to look back and see threads of your grace through it all. But more than that, I'll look back and see Your GLORY.

John Henry Newman wrote, "For one day we may put off the burden of our polluted consciences, and rejoice in the perfections of our Saviour Christ, without thinking of ourselves, without thinking of our own miserable uncleanness; but contemplating His glory, His righteousness, His purity, His majesty, His overflowing love".

By now, you would have finished off your half-sandwich with soup, and looking into getting a refill on that cup of coffee. Perhaps decaf this time around? Nevertheless, you might take another glance at the awkward girl sitting at the circular, bar-like table toward the north end of the cafe. She's smiling now. No longer looking uncomfortable or awkward or in turmoil. There's a bit of satisfaction and joy and peace that is reflected in her smile. 

You see. God reminded her about something important. He likes to join her on a Monday afternoon over coffee and a cookie. He likes to gently remind her that it's not about her or her new computer at all. It never was and never will be. Yes, she is a part of it. In some gracious - unbelievable way. But this is His story, His timing, His plan and His glory. 
And it is overwhelming.

God's glory leaves you forever wanting more...
​Forever wanting more of Him.


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1 Comments

Grace Ann Lockwood - January 4th, 2015 at 8:36 PM
I just got a new Mac book pro and love it. I've had a Mac laptop since 1995 and they are so nice to use. Now I have the iPhone and iPad as well and it's nice to have them all in iCloud.

Keep up your good writing. God will use you to reach others

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